The present

When Cooper was one I decided to start a journal about him, and when he is older he can have it.  Then he will be able to read about when he was growing up.  Sometimes when I am working on an entry I like to go back and read it all for myself.  At one-year-old he still wasn’t crawling, and in my very first entry I wrote how I had decided to not worry about it, and that it would happen in his own time.  I laugh because in most of the entries from then until he learned how to walk, I say something about how we think he will be walking soon! I can remember writing those posts and really thinking and hoping that it would be soon when he would be hitting all of the milestones we were waiting for.

Just now as I am writing this I realize that I spent so much time waiting and hoping for things to happen that I never really got to fully enjoy what was happening in the moment.  I was always watching the posts about other kids doing things that Cooper couldn’t do yet, and being bitter about our situation.  Even in the moments that we were celebrating milestones I was thinking about what we were going to work on next.

So for a moment I would like to focus on the now.

This morning Cooper woke up crying so I went in to check on him.  I knew that he was still tired so I covered him back up with his blankets and laid down and cuddled with him.  I could feel his breathing start to slow back down and his body relax.  I can always tell when he is asleep finally because he starts to put off a lot of heat, and his body twitches (he gets those traits from his dad).  I would have stayed with him longer, but his bed does not fit two very well.   So I left him with his eyes fluttering behind his eye lids, I often wonder what he dreams about, probably trains.

In the present moment I think about how adorable he is.  He has the softest most kissable cheeks, perfectly blue eyes, and seriously the fullest lips (which neither Spencer or I have, so I don’t know where he got them).  He loves trains, which I mentioned before he gets that from his dad.  The other night he couldn’t get to sleep, he was super hyper and didn’t like being in his room alone with the light off.  I went in and laid down next to him.  He started laughing and wiggling around, and I was starting to get afraid that he was not going to fall asleep at all.  He finally laid down and held still, then he quietly made a choo choo sound like a train three times and fell asleep.  I laughed because it was kind of adorable.

We have very sweet moments with Cooper that make me forget about all the delays and tantrums.  For just a small amount of time I forget all of the trials and bitterness and focus on that moment; his smile, his laugh, the way that trains fascinate and terrify him at the same time.  I wish that I could somehow keep all the bad and stressful stuff in the background, and not think about all the things that we have to work on.

“When you are hugging a child, always be the last to let go.  You never know how long they need it.”  I have been living by this for a while now, and I can tell that it is so true.  Sometimes the hugs last a long time, sometimes Cooper just quietly falls asleep.  Other times they only last a moment, but I make sure I hold on as long as Cooper needs me to.  It helps me to focus on the now and truly enjoy this time while he still likes to hug his mom!

Also I found a little picture that helps to explain Cooper a little bit more.  I wanted to share it with those who are interested.  Aside from the not liking to me tickled or cuddled, this is Cooper to a T.



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